I can't even describe properly how I felt when these attacks would happen, because they were so irrational but also totally real to me while I was experiencing them. One time I had this thought that I may have done my taxes wrong (this was months after I had filed them) and had panic attack. I worried endlessly about.basically everything. I had dark intrusive thoughts constantly. Other changes happened, too: the week before my period, my anxiety reached fever pitch. Basically, my periods became a lot heavier, cramps became more painful, and I just felt completely drained and rundown the week of my cycle. If you're squeamish about periods, you should just skip ahead now. Sometime after the lost pregnancy, after I had started healing emotionally, my periods began getting worse. That story is on this blog too, so there's no need for me to go into it, but something changed in me after the miscarriage, and it wasn't just emotionally or mentally: there were physical changes also. The anxiety never went away, but I grew up and got better at coping with it and just working through it. It made me afraid to speak up, afraid of attention directed at me, afraid to stand up for myself. Now I realize I was never shy, I was anxious. I was always described as "shy" as a young child by parents, teachers and myself, too. Which isn't to say I haven't always struggled with it, because I've been an anxious person for as long as I have memories, long before I had that word to describe what I felt. I ignored my negative thoughts as best I could, but the feelings I could not ignore. Somehow though, knowing that didn't change how I felt. We have a house to live in, beds to sleep in, food to eat, and people to love. We have this great daughter who is smart and funny and cute as a bug. What did I have to be unhappy about? I have this great husband who I love AND like, and he loves and likes me back. I tried to just shrug the thought away, toss it to the back of my brain, and tell myself that it was silly to be unhappy- obviously, that was untrue. I would be alone in my van, driving home, and a thought would slam into my head: For months, I had been having negative, intrusive thoughts. I was unwell, but I didn't truly know it. My anxiety was out of control, along with my hormones and my weight.
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